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Sham
Mahabir
I
decided to write this as I wanted to share with friends and
family my journey while I was in India and about to embark
on this fasting program, I wanted them to see why I did it
and what I got out of it, most importantly I wanted them to
know how I felt during the course and to share in some of
the highs and lows of my life. Completing this course was
something that brought me great joy, love, happiness but equally
lots of sadness. It guided me through a time in my life that
I am very proud of and the achievement in doing this program
and the decision it allowed me to make.
I
had seen this program advertised a few months ago and I had
told myself that it was something I would like to do so once
it was decided we were going to be in India for the Christmas
and New Year period, without a doubt in my mind I was going
to do this program, but the doubts came and they went from
time to time.
With
that decided, I thought and even fanaticized about all the
good things that would come from doing the course. Not a day
went by when I did not think or reflect about the changes
I may encounter during and after the course. I literally spent
hours talking to friends and family members about it and also
wondering what the other people on the course were going to
be like.
But
I did not bog myself down with that too much, as I was not
going there to meet people and make friend. I thought to myself
I had lots of friends already. Those thoughts did lead me
to wonder why I was doing this. What did I hope to gain from
it? All these questions haunted me until one day I realized
that I wanted a clean slate to start 2006. I had decided to
do this course and I wanted my brain and mind free from thoughts,
negative ideas, but most importantly I wanted to take stock
of my life and reflect on the different element s that made
my life us. That included my family, friends, relationship
and job. Without a doubt I knew it was going to be a good
thing as nothing bad could come of it.
This
was going to be about me and making a fresh start in 2006,
whether that meant shedding friends, changing jobs, moving
house/country, I did not know all I knew now was that I wanted
to do this course and I was very excited when I thought about
it.
Group
dynamics can be difficult enough and when I thought about
all these emotions that may arise for some people I wondered
if I was doing the correct program but some thing kept telling
me this is right and that If anything I can learn from them
as I am young and I believe very inexperience. I eventually
stopped worrying about them as I thought they could help and
guide I thought we could help each other trough difficult
times but also this was out of my control, and I was sure
we would get on especially as its rare that I meet people
and they don't get on with me.
The
Ashram
Finally
the day had come and I had arrived at the ashram in Kerela,
South India.
I
was prepared for what some of my friends called a
life changing event. I had prepared to feel
hungry not to eat any food to do lots of reading, yoga and
of course I wanted to use this time to my advantage and reflect
on my life and where I am currently and when I'm heading.
I had some plans for 2006 but I wanted to develop a lot more
and I was going to use this time to make some decision that
will not only affect my but others around me, friends, family
and colleagues.
I
was not prepared for what I got! I was in shock or maybe amazement
is a better word.
Upon
arriving at the Ashram it was set in the most beautiful location.
It was like being in an oasis (and for those of you who know
India it was an Oasis). The surroundings did not look dry
and arid, nor did I see all the unpleasant sights I left behind
in the capital of Kerela or at my first port of call in Chennai.
I had the immediate feeling of calm a sanctuary of peace and
as I had just had a 16 hour train journey, no clothes as our
bags were lost by the airline so this feeling was more than
welcomed!
My
disappointment came when I realized I was going to be pushed
even furthered that I had expected or prepared myself when
it came to my comfort zone. I knew India is not a place you
go for comfort and if that is what you want you don't go to
an ashram. You check into a Taj Hotel. I had not stayed in
an ashram before so when I saw the sleeping accommodations
I was, well, the word I am looking for is speechless.
The
only comfort I gained from the accommodations in the Ashram
was realizing that I was in a room that was shared with one
other person, but In all honestly all that created was a sense
of security for my stuff (what little was left) and not hearing
someone snoring all night! The beds were very basic and the
mattress was made of 2" coconut fibre. I did not know
what to do. What could I do? I did not want to spoil my experience.
The
silver lining came when I found out on the second day of the
course that the other guy on the course was due to arrive
late was not going to be sharing the room with me and that
James could share the room with me. I was thrilled about this
but I think he was happier as his sleeping accommodations
were a lot worse than mine. I felt safe and happy knowing
that James was in the same room with me. It was also good
for us as we were able to spend the nights together. But I
still felt uncomfortable as the mattress did not change, nor
did the ants in the bathroom and the dust that seemed to follow
me around this oasis.
So,
the course started and I met my fellow fasters, and I realized
that they were not too different from me. They hailed from
different parts of the world (US, Canada , France, Austria
and UK ). They all had different reasons for doing the fast
and they bought their own anxiety to the course.
The
start of the Course
So
I prepared to starve myself for the next fourteen days we
started with orange juice (or OJ as the Americans called it),
some sort of clay and powder s... Yeah seriously! I'm not
joking and the funny thing was it did not taste too bad. Don't
get me wrong it was no walk in the park but I had tasted worst
things in the past. We had the first of several group sharing
exercise, had the next fourteen days outlined and given our
schedules of treatments and daily schedule.
We
met each other (Tracy, Chanda, Yasmin, Mahadevi, Bridget,
Anita, Ken, Tom, Isabelle, Susan and Prameshwarean,) and I
was a bit relieved as they were not freaks. They
were as normal as you and I. They had all come for different
reasons and we respected that. Minutes turned into hours and
the next think we knew it was pill time, more juice and then
pills and juice and finally a vegetable broth. We were given
a cocktail of pills that all did different things for our
body. It's been tried and tested so I thought I will give
it a go. After all I was here for this and I wanted to give
this my all. I knew I had not done anything like this before
and it was challenging but I found it very exciting,
The
days went by sometimes they felt long and drawn out and other
days they passed like lightening.
As
a group we started to get friendly and more trusting without
noticing we had formed two groups. Tracy, Yasmin, Chanda,
Mahadevi, Tom, Ken and I seemed to sit together and spend
lots of time just talking about life, our reasons for coming
on the program. Sometimes we even debated politics and social
issues... WOW!!! We opened up about our past, our plans for
the future we shared experiences made everlasting friendships.
There was this trust that encircled the group that I don't
think anyone realized at the time but it is obvious in hindsight.
The
first week went by and it was not until then I had not really
realized that I was not feeling hungry! I was having juice
three times a day and there was no shortage of that. Suzanne
(one of the course facilators) and two Ashram employees made
up with the limited supply of fruits (pineapple, coconut,
papaya, carrots, oranges and beetroot or (beet as the US and
Canadians called it). Susan really tried to make it as interesting
as possible all things considering.
By
the second week we were getting bored and by this time I had
started talking about food. Sushi came up on several occasions
and I started to crave it but I did not feel hungry! I just
wanted it because I liked it, and I guess talking about it
all the time did not help. I guess the best way to describe
my feeling at this time is by saying I was not hungry but
I was aware I was not eating and I wanted to pick on things.
Fruit, chocolates you name it my senses were aware of the
absence of food and I made the rest of the group aware of
how I felt, I was told on a couple of occasion that I should
stop talking about food as I am making it difficult for some
to the others fasters. It did stop me but only for
a while. My feelings came again and I just could not stop
myself.
At
some group sharing meetings some people change and they felt
that they had the confidence to say how they felt about any
issues. On one occasion, and this was one of the things I
loved about the group, one of the fasters had difficulties
in speaking her mind, for some reason she felt empowered and
that she had the strength and I was pleased about that. She
told us how she felt and also said that it was the first time
she was able to do that. After the sharing experience I was
so moved by it I went to her and said how pleased I was that
she was able to speak her mind she had gained confidence in
herself and for me that is priceless.
One
of our daily highlights was DINNER! You will not believe how
much we looked forward to dinner time Not that it was very
interesting. Think of cabbage, potatoes and carrots boiled
for two hours and then strained. We drank the water/broth
call it what you want we loved it and drank lots of it. We
mixed into in some soy sauce and chilli oil and it all helped.
What
can I say! The end was always going to be eminent and I was
prepared for it, or was!? This is something I kept asking
myself. I know or thought I was looking forward to leaving
the ashram and heading to Goa for that hedonistic life I was
expecting and desperately wanting to experience. Just lying
back on the beach a beer in my hand and dancing till the sun
rose in the morning. What else can a guy ask for on holiday?
But
it came, the end was there and before I knew it it was time
for us to break our fast and that was a true sign that the
fast was coming to an end. Without a doubt I was looking forward
to eating again having not had any solids for ten days would
you not be?. The morning came and I was full of excitement
as I could not believe that I was about to have food, I felt
like a child at Christmas or what I expect an expecting father
would feel like. All the excitement built up inside me to
create a sense of joy and fulfillment having just completed
what I had hailed as a mammoth experience; we all were excited
and looking forward to it.
We
ate the fruit salad that was prepared for us. It looked beautiful.
I sat there in anticipation my taste buds bulging with excitement
and a longing desire to devour as much as possible, indeed
which was tasty and I truly enjoyed it.
Did
I enjoy it because I was in India and the fruits there seem
to taste a lot better as they are ripened on the tree, unlike
in England? I will never know. A large part of me could not
help to wonder what if I had carried on the fast. Would I
feel any better for it? Did eating this food make me feel
any stronger as a person? Did it give me anything? Why did
I feel that I had to eat at 8:00 as I had been doing all my
life? A big part of felt as if I had failed myself. Was my
mind just playing games on me creating the sense that I needed
to eat, was just one of the questions that I could not help
but ask myself over and over again?
During
the course of the program the other fasters weighed themselves
and I was very tempted but I wanted to be shocked when I did
it, I knew I was looking different so I was positive that
I had lost some weight and as my clothes were getting too
big for me and my face was rapidly depleting in size.
All
this was welcomed and I was tempted, but I never gave it,
I wanted to give myself a reward on Christmas day, so I waited
and I went through the fast without a weigh in. I would live
through the days by our discussions about my fellow fasters
telling me of their weight loss. So on Christmas day the biggest
thing for me was weighing myself not the eating (well a part
of that).
The
moment of truth! Mahadevi bought her scales to the back and
I jumped on having spent the last ten days enjoying hearing
my fellow fasters talk about their weight loss, I
was now filled with lots of excitement AGAIN!
I
thought I had lost about 1 stone (14 pounds). And at my initial
calculating I was shocked as It was in the region of 18 (pounds).
As I was not very good in Maths I decided to use a calculator
and that is when I calculated the my current weight from pounds
(US weighing scales) into stones and pounds ( UK weighing
scales) to say I was shocked is like the biggest understatement
of the year if not my life.
I
could not believe I had just revealed that I had lost a staggering
2 stones (28 pounds). That was it!
I was on top of the world. A big part of me felt this can't
be right not healthy. I felt as if I had been doing this fast
and although I felt incredible I thought there is no way that
I could have lost the much weight. I was thrilled as to me
that is an unacceptable level of weight loss. I spoke to the
course leader and he put my mind to rest, saying if I feel
good does it really matter! And he was right. felt great,
I looked fabulous and I did not care. That was the most important
thing to me. I did think the scales could have been a bit
heavy or light or as it was not the scales I used to weigh
myself before there could have been some discrepancy there.
Again I will never know but I still looked great.
The
fast was ending I had made some lovely friends people I knew
I was going to stay in touch with over the course of my natural
life. That little group that stayed up and chatted, who swam
together, did facials and go into town and have a little treat
once we broke the fast (one of the best breakfast and day
of my trip in India ) my new friends! The people I had just
spent the last ten days of my life with The people who made
me realize who I am in a lot of ways and the people who shared
some of my current issues and challenges. I felt safe with
them there was something more that a few people fasting. They
may have felt different but for me they were true friends
maybe the truest friends I have had in my life. They will
always be with me and if it had not been for then I am not
sure if I would have been able to complete the program.
Saying
goodbye!
Saying
goodbye is never easy and I thought about the times I leave
my mom in Miami. It's never an easy thing to do but you just
got to do it.
All
packed and ready to leave I was touched to see all my friends
there in a row to say good bye! Chanda was leaving with us
and I was pleased to be spending some more time with her while
we had to wait for our bus. To see Tracy, Yasmin, Ken and
Tom meant the world to me. James commented how special the
group was and noted that they will be friends for a long while.
They too had commented of lots of occasions how lovely he
was. I remember Tracy telling me one day how he had this special
aura about him. It was a very special moment and one I will
always have.
After
the Ashram
I
felt many different things whilst I was on the program. I
noticed that I was using my glasses less and I was able to
read, had my vision become better? I guess a combination of
yoga eye exercises and the fasting, all the carrot juice made
it clearer. When I came back to London I decided to have my
eyes corrected by laser surgery, but didn't as my eyes are
not sufficiently bad enough to warrant the operation. My prescription
in one eye had gotten better but in one worst! I now think
it just nature doing its stuff. As I said earlier I did not
feel hungry, I am still in amazement how after ten days of
not eating, or chewing how a person can sustain their body,
but it only goes to show that we use our bodies in ways they
don't need to be used.
I
felt sad as I realised that I missed practicing my religion
as being in the Ashram I noticed, while singing devotional
songs and other elements like being surrounded by the images
of gods, the ringing of bells and others elements. A part
of my life I will like to see more active and I was going
to make it happen.
I
did a lot of thinking when it came to my life and I was sure
that I was in a job I loved, the people I worked with were
great and I had the flexibility which was going to allow me
to do the diploma in Marketing. Decision making became clear
to me, I felt focused and I wanted to take on the world I
felt as if I was on this journey and it had ended, yet it
was just beginning. A new lease on life? Maybe!
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